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Wednesday, December 11, 2013

First Love

First love.

What is actually this first love means? Your first partner? Someone that you like in the first place? Or else?

For the past few years that I started to like the opposite gender in the serious term, I was wondering, did this person becomin my first love or this feeling was just an infatuation. Being heartbroken by the same guy within these 3 years had open my eyes, that this particular guy might be my first love. Someone that hardly to forget or ignored no matter how much heartache you got. 


I had this thought that the harder you try to forget someone, the memory attached to you become more intense. So I decided, I wont try harder to forget, instead, I just ignore his existance. Ignored anything related to him, and must I say, it worked, even it's not 100%. Still, rather than nothing, wasn't?

But everytime, the name appeared, you could never avoid the ache, the pain. Three years still not enough for you to put everything behind. You thought you did, but without you realised there was 1% that left. Then you cried knowing, no matter what you did or avoided, you still love him. Yet, he will never care wanting you because he want someone else.

*stop for a moment*

I will never deny, letting go is hard, the hardest I may say. It's like two choices lies in front of you. Hate him for not wanting you but still want to be friend, or, love him from afar by never being friend because being friend seems holding you back.

When one day you saw the name, and you are feelingless towards him, it's like a victory. You are able to move on, able to let go. Until a lady appear, a lady that became the reason behind each of your tears. The same lady that brought tears to him long ago. The heartache flow back. Only to realised that, letting go is not 100% completed, and you mad. Mad of yourself, and mad of them.

Madness that brought hatred in your heart. You want to hate, but you know hatred only will destroy you and your heart. You hate them, but nothing can change. Hatred is the proof, the fact that you yourself is still in the past, hold you back from letting go.

Knowing that, hating them by yourself will never be enough, because you can never leave that guy in ignorance. Madness that create some stupid ideas. Let them hate you. And they shall never return to you.

And that what I did. Stop hating, but the price? They hate you in return. And you bear the sin. 

Is this first love baby? Because my heart say so.

'You' are right about we should never known each other. But I will never regret knowing 'you' and fell in love. 'You' are a lesson I'd learnt, how could I regret all these. I'm only regretting that everything had to be in this way, a way that can leave peace to 'you', 'her' and me. =') 

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